Thursday, June 30, 2005

sick but not dead

there's been this disastrous rumor that's been flying around my friends' circle that i had died because of my ailing sickness. you'd think someone would have the decency to backfire at it that i am not. but no such effort has surfaced ..

this post is to officially say that i am alive and kicking. tired, maybe. terribly sick, possibly.

but definitely not DEAD

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

dandillion dragons & dreams

so i am out again as some of you may know

hopefully i will be out much longer this time and never have to come back into that place they call a hospital.

i was going to go for the movie War of the Worlds but as i was sitting in Starbucks and typing this out by taking advantage of the wifi free service from here until the end of August, i felt a few chills here and there and i was sorry for the eskimos who live way north and wondered if they have ever seen a pizza, unfrozen? hmmm

plus the fact that i was waiting for a good 2nd cousin of mine who had called me up earlier trying to fix a time to see me. so i stayed a little while waiting for him. up until this moment he hadn't come and i was getting a bit bored of having my eyes ears and fingertips being glued along a laptop for so long.

i was discharged with caution. C A U T I O N..

not exactly the way to say you're totally fine but it's better than nothing.

a big shout goes out to thugy, noor and her extremely nice friend. thanks for all the support you guys lent me - seriously.

but if i don't end up coming on staurday then i'll try to see you on Monday when i come to daycare. just let me know if you want anything. plus i will be needing some medical escort into the wards since i would be coming in the daytime..

here's to a better tomorrow after you're done with all the frustration..he he


Sunday, June 26, 2005

Any given Sunday

I tried to cool off yesterday by watching a chic flick called "Bride & Predijuce". Some sort of Indian/American/British movie about a tale of a few women who want to get married to the right one and not an arranged marriage as their parents are pushing for. Along the way there are a lot of songs (thank God this time no palm trees) very catchy, very simple lyrics. And leaves you contemplating with a smile.

I saw it once in a cinema and I had just bought it yesterday on DVD. I thought it was that good. I would give and 8.5 out of 10.

I am trying to cool down myself because something else has happened of which I cannot disclose and I have no right to be angry about it either. But it is bursting my ears into fumes.

I am even thinking of stopping bloggin altogether because of it.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

super carrots

living is just a design that we paint our flaws in.

thats the way i see it these days. you do something wrong you're told off and you learn your mistake.

me. i don't learn the easy way. i have to learn the hard way.

several things have come up in my life along the way since my early years of childhood to the point of having to actually predict that my future is going to be this dim. and i am not being pessimistic here at all.

there have occurent events in my timeline which have lead me to this, lets say, assumption.

dedicated things have put me aside until one day it actually showed itself.

i was just a tree stump in the way of DNA highway..

Friday, June 24, 2005

Wonder of wonders

I figure it was a bad move to have published that poem. The person in name hasn't responded or gotten the message. Maybe I should wait.

Maybe I am pushing it.

Maybe I'm not.

I really don't know anymore.

All I know is that I think about them too often and that I wish I was talking to them day and night. That's all. Nothing about love or anything. If there's a chance, God would probably show me it.

Then again there's a saying that if God closes one door on you with a brick wall he'll offer you a thousand other keys for free. Raw deal if you ask me. Out of that one thousand - which one would be the one?

I contemplate too much on this issue because I feel that emotional satisfaction deals directly with the sense of security within me. Others find that their careers are the ones that provide that feeling. I'm not one of those people. I've been like this since I was a child. Sensitive? So what? I'd rather be this than that. People with careers go on (and this is not a generalization) with their lives like there's no tomorrow and give no importance to settling down. What if the train rides by and stops somewhere far far away to a point you can't take yourself to anymore? What then?

I may not have a job but I think about these things always and logically before giving way to emotional desires. Especially matters of the heart.

I really don't know what to do anymore.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Dear Winter..

This is the poem that I dared myself to publish herein. To Whom It May Concern, I hope you reply. And sorry if I am embarrassing - I didn't mean it, seriously;

Dear winter
Dear heart
Dear eyes
That sparks in the dark

I wish you could see what I could see
I wish you could feel what I could feel
I dare not say how I do
I dare not look into your eyes the way I want to

I would love to tell you
Eye to eye
Heart to heart
Had I the will
The courage
The power

But to move such a feeling
Out of my body
Through my mind
By my lips

To say your name
To have your image all the time in my mind

But what can I say?
What can I do?
Behind these white sheets
Behind these semi colored curtains

I see your smile
All I want to do is smile back
And when you laugh it feels like heaven is spreading its wings on me
Although I am suffering, silently because of what is going on with me

My only wish
My only desire
Is that you would have been free as a bird

But my luck is bad
And sometimes under minded
And that's why you're so far away from me

I hide behind my smile
The tears that I should be crying
The pain I hold in my heart from the silent darkness that I am lost in
Suffering, tear by tear
Whispering, for you to bring me in

What can I say?
What can I do?
I am here for a reason
Perhaps many

Life beyond life
Scream beyond scream
Silent as a disease
Silent beyond the whispering wind in the trees

Flare upon flare
Time after time
This is my curse
This is my life as it is pointed out in the timeline

But I am only kidding to myself
Because you have heart set on someone els
And we have only just met
And I am bound to stay for all time like this

How can I know?
How can I see?
How can I put my eyes to the path?
To the way I should seek?

Waves upon the sea

Some things
Are just
Not meant to be

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Personally speaking

I am out of the hospital for those of you who didn't even bother to ask about me.

And the one person that I tried to reach out to was there - everyday. I thank her a lot, and she knows who she is (just let me know what kind of movies you want and I'll prepare them for you, plus you would have to let me know how I am going to give them to you)..

I must have really blurted my heart out in there. But what can I say? It's not everyday you go into hospital with such measures that you feel down, depressed and alone at once. Well, not everyday.

I would have posted a sort of a poem that I typed out on my laptop on the last night that I was at the hospital. But I am too embarassed and afraid it would have bad consequences, so I'll leave to to time to decide for me.

As for the book, I am putting temporarily on hold until Autumn or Winter. Sorry. One: I am no in condition to be marketing my book should I be able to make the print in time (e.g: two weeks time); two: it's summer, and half of you are probably on summer holidays I know I would be if it it wasn't for this nasty sickness I am smudged in. So Autumn or Winter would make a great comeback. Plus: It would give me plenty of time to work on more material for the book because it isn't as fulfilling as the first one.

I have things on my mind and other things also which I would like to get rid of thinking of but can't budge them. I hope things turn out better for all of us. Even you cold-hearted critters.

I pray that there will be a day when I find the one who truly loves me and I love her back in all honesty. I pray that I would be rid once and for all of this sickness one day. I pray that I have some sort of career one day. And I pray that I die peacefully one day.

Here's to Heaven..

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Fighting the fight..

Excuze Excuze Excuze...

Yes I have beyond reach from the outside world for almost the past month because I have been stranded by my illness very badly in hospital.

Doctors have found out that my bone-marrow has stopped producing red blood cells so I am constantly under the treatment of several antibiatocs, transfusions, FFPs, tests, so you can imagine the whole hell that I am going through here but I am still holding to hope that one day they will find something to irradicate this whole situation. I have had visits from some friends, relatives, and even doctors who have known me in the past whom had operated on me from the surgeon team trying to lift my spirits.

All this and my homoglobene level won't budge above the 6 pointer. Better than when I was admitted which was 4.7 . My parents heard that number and they totally freaked. But I had gone as low as 5 in the past. I guess I should be in the guiness world book of records, huh? ;o)

I busy myself everyday with reading newspapers. Sometimes playing with my new laptop and watching movies on it. Or talking to some of the sisters at the hospital or even the patients. After all, sharing is caring - now that's a lame remark. he he he

I am also trying to finish in between my new poetry book which has been delayed quite a lot because of my illness. Which if you don't know what it is, it's called: Auto Immune Multi Factorial Disease. Thyroids. Liver. Splene, Gold Bladder and Appendix were removed last December. Now I have a chance of being infected with Auto Immune Thrombosis - basically your blood clots in your veins which are around the abdominal area and causes severe pain for the patitient in many different areas depending on where the clotting is.

I try to be positive as much as I can. But there are limits.

I'm signing off because I'll be back on Saturday to hospital since I'm out on Out & Pass.

If you know me, please visit me. Seriously.

I really need the cheering up quite a lot.