Friday, October 01, 2004

Sinking in

So.. its now or never, I guess.

Opportunity lies ahead.

Should I take it?

Or should I leave it as it is until we may find another solution?

Its terrible feeling - I tell ya.

Stuck between a nail and a hammer. Now that's NASTY.

Others wanna stall the situation to prolong the events a bit longer because they live with the fear that there could be side-effects. Which is true. But what is also true is that if I don't get over with this, I could end up being more damaged that I am right now because of 'prolonged measurements to slow down the escalation of events'.

Trying saying that twice, fast.

To your left we have the heavy-weight champion of champions - Mr. D. Known for his ability to move and stun not like a bee but like a ton full of bricks. And to your right, we have - snicker! - I can't believe that I am even announcing this!: The pee-brain champion, Ghosty. Chances are we'll see a good fight by 80%. Play good boys.

That's the scenario on the big day. You figure out the facts for yourself. I've had too many dreams about this and that and even worse crap in my mind about how to deal with life right now - emotionally. But if all goes well. If all goes well - I will have my life back. I could sing in the rain again. I could run like a cheetah. I could climb mountains. Play volleyball again. Swim better. Turn the damn A/C on high cool and not have a care in the world. I could - love again (that's provided I get a J.O.B. first, know what I mean?)

But if it doesn't.


At least we gave it our best shot. Huh?

Saturday, September 25, 2004

Mirror, mirror, on the wall

Have you tried looking at yourself in the mirror lately?

I have.

Its been 26 years since I was born. And boy am I OLD.

But that's not the issue here.

The real issue here is: what have I got to show for it?

Do I have a job? Do I have a good health? Am I married or do I have a girlfriend or fiance?

The answer to those three questions is: no. But someone with more optimisim in their heart and soul would counter with: Have I tried applying for a job? At least I am better off in my health situation than others in the world who are far sicker than I am. And others would say: at least you're not gay.


Well, yes, I HAVE tried applying for jobs far more than I can count for and yes I have looked into them again, yet no one wants me. Jobs and job employers are looking for more professional people these days and they don't want someone who doesn't know what they want from their life practically and in the long-term.

Health? Yes, yes, yes; I have heard that excuse over and over again. But have you been in MY SHOES? I don't think so. You don't know what its like to fall sick and not be able to control it or cure and have it affect your employment and you professional & personal life. No. You haven't been there. Well, I have and I have had it for more than 7 years now and seriously reconsidering life as a 'gift'. A gift to be given back.

And the fact that I don't have a job or a good healthy background - literally - is what's backing me up to have a chance, a serious chance, to get the girl of my life. And if I ever found the woman of my life, what good would it do for me? You look at it this way: if you were the parents of a young beautiful daughter and you had some guy come up to you say that he wants her hand in marriage - what would your reaction be? It would most probably be: well, son, what do you work? Because you would be worried about if you gave your daughter to this man how would he finance their new life?

That's just me.

A depressed old bugger.

That's funny. Blog. Bugger.


Thursday, September 23, 2004


Dear Heather,

I don't know how you've been and it's been a long time since we have talked to each other. And since that night that I saw you I can't get you off my mind. My mind just twirls at thought of seeing your hazel-brown eyes.

Your vanilla scent is just intoxicating. And the way you wrap your hair with that blue ribbon in your black hair, it's like, as if, you're Belle from Beauty and the Beast. Only without all that soppy singing melodies.

You remember that rainy day up on the cliff heights? When it was pouring cats and dogs? And you never wanted to go back and I was getting all cold and feverish? I remember when you were spreading your arms as if you're preparing to fly high. You were so into the moment you forget that your cardigan was on the ground and being soaked like hell. And you know what else? I was standing there while you weren't watching, and just smiling because I could feel your positive energy from where I was standing.

Then we took a taxi home. You were soaked. Totally. You were smiling all the way like a child on a train field trip just watching the scene pass us by all the way. You were also tired. Ha ha. You were yawning as if you were going to hibernate. Ha ha ha. I couldn't resist just putting my arms around you and just holding on to you so tight. And allowing you to rest your head on my lap.

But you know what I miss the most about that all?

I miss about it that it was all ... just a nice dream.

Hope I find you someday.

I'm just gonna die if I don't.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Under the moonlit clouds of an endless starry night

So your life flicks away as if it is a dream, eh?

Well, you're not the only one. Believe me. And I am not talking about daydreams. No siree. I am talking about your wild, emotional roller-coaster, antognizing, flip winding, cola needing afterwards, sort of a dreams. If there is such a long name for them that exists.

I have dreamt many dreams. Some of them which have scared the hell out of me and really frightened me that I forget them the moment I wake up. Yet I still feel scared about something. And my heart is playing the 'Thong Song'. And I look around in the dark and I am thinking is it still a dream or am I awake. But just to be sure, and don't laugh, I close my eyes to re-assure myself that it was all nothing and I end up sleeping comfortably again.

In the morning I wake up and I think to myself: man that was some bad ass food I had last night.

There are other times when I wish I would never wake up at all. I'm not talking about sex-related pornogrpahic dreams, but rather romantic ones, ones with so much loving emotion it feels so.. real.

The last time this had happened to me, was today. I woke up and I wish I hadn't because I wanted to hold on that thought, that feeling, that ...God, there must be a name for it. I woke up from a dream feeling that I am lost in touch with something in my life. Instead of feeling good, I felt bad. I knew I was losing out on something by my dreams had to be rubbing it in. And its not my fault really. I try, and I try, and I don't get there. People of whom I know tell me to get married or to find my girl or offer to help me out by saying 'point her out to me and we'll do the rest'. Its a nice gesture and all, but you know, in reality you're held by the realism of your situation - my situation.

I have a sickness. And I if I don't shake it, then I am not able to get a job. If I am unable to find a suitable job, I will never be able to find the woman of my dreams or even marry her had I found her. And in the end of it all - I would end up to grow up to become 60 with false teeth, a bad back, choking on my rice beans and lemonade and hitting my cane on some kids who think that hitting on my house window shield is a nice morning prank at 6am.

I'm dramaticizing.

But let's hope things gets better.

Maybe one day I'll find her and things would take a turn to the best. Who knows, huh?

Sweet dreams.

Sunday, September 19, 2004

Life in a box

So here I am listening to music whilst typing out things that most people would not come to comprehend as an important thing to write about in their lives.

I was at the hospital and was feeling quite sick when I was on my way there and as got there no sooner had I settled down (I was over for a check-up test). That's not what this is about though. No. I was there and as I sat down for my turn to be called in. This man came into the waiting area - and what a waiting area, wow. Ha ha. And he politely asked me about my reason being there and he also introduced his porblem and not his name. I was overly tired at the moment but felt it only polite to reflect the gesture and continue with the conversation at hand. This man had a problem because he quit smoking after a year's bad habit on going's. I admired his courage to move on and make his lifestyle more healthy especially as he looked about as old my own father. Maybe more maybe less. And he asked me whether or not I smoke. I denied the bad habit.

It came to his turn to go into the test area. He came out after maybe some 2 or 3 minutes. I had felt better by then because now my symptoms were residing slowly. He wished me good luck as did I and we parted at that moment.

I sat there thinking, y'know. God must have sent some weird Angel to do his bidding because I felt better now that I wasn't thinking about me and what I had in terms of a sickness. And I remembered also that there's a possibility that I could be admitted anytime soon for follow up treatment and I said to myself "that's what I should do; think happy thoughts and I'll be up in no time".

Wow. Y'know?

Its like God meant for me to feel akward this morning and to go to the hospital in that state so I could bump into this person and learn such a lesson. "Angels do walk the plains of Earth. Yet our eyes are not so blunt into identifying them". I was meant to walk into that nice man. As I am meant to have this sickness for my life - possibly - to learn a lesson from handling things in a certain way. Like I am meant to finally find a person that will one day make a difference in my emotional lifestyle - hopefully.

Some lesson - huh?

Saturday, September 18, 2004

Night two: Further into the night

Another deer to die on the road. Another life and all is gone. Another thought and why. Another link to life and its lies. Another day in the sun. Another day you sleep away in your blanket and its warmth. Another tale to be told and why. Another lifelong dream gone down the gutter - another feeling spilt out and is gone out the window and left to die.

So now I think that I am holding on to a dream because I mainly don't know what I should be doing in my life.

Night two


Night two of my ever-ending pointless life. Well night two ever since I started typing out what I think about it and sleepless nights inside my dreams.

Night two of having to sit down at STARBUCKS with friends. Night two of checking out chics who are far younger than I am. And night two of sitting down with a disease that I have dealt with for about 7 years now. I'm not complaining. I'm just speaking out my thoughts here.

'Discoveries are a chance of finding heaven.' There's another quote you can fill up and stick up on your fridge door. Discovering heaven within someone's heart. Someone who will cherish you and follow you all the way no matter what. Wouldn't leave you to fall down in the dirt on your own. Would put an arm under yours and help pull you up. But that's something I wish for. Wishes can come true, can't they? I mean, that's if you wish hard enough. And if you push hard enough for them then they should, shouldn't they?

I have to say that most girls think that the case to get attention is either they put too much make up and and become too open with the guys or they are far too conservative by wearing ninja outfits and becoming such a snob when it comes to interaction with the other sex. We're not gonna eat you y'know.

It is my opinion that take the middle approach with these things is the best solution for both parties. And what's better: no one gets hurt.

I mean, I am a guy and I would like to get to know a few girls here and there to expand my horizon of understanding the female sex and how it feels; thinks; and does things and why she does the things she does. But at the rate that our society is going - we're heading nowhere and fast.

So you're gonna tell me why don't you try your sisters? That's not the issue. My sisters are family. Others are not and they would be more open and unreluctant to share ideas, feelings and more (in a polite manner) that would not be shielded by the wall that they cannot share freely because they're family.

You're gonna tell me would you do that to your sisters? I have six sisters; three of them married - two of which who are older than I am. The rest get along quite fine with each other and we deliver quite a positive attitude of life between us. And they're all intelligent enough to know what's right and what's wrong therefore making the right decisions. What I am trying to point out is that if you keep your children in your field of protection like a dog does with a flock of sheep then they of course they run back to your crying and begging for your help everytime they think they need it. But, on the other hand, if you leave them be to make their own decisions, then they would learn in the process of making mistakes of knowing what's right and wrong (this doesn't mean unleashing them totally but a matter of befriending them so that they feel like talking to you about anything that goes on in your life if and when they feel like they need help).

Friday, September 17, 2004

A New Era? Or Just Another Cola Flavor?

So here I am writing my first 'real' thoughts.

Not some poetry. Which is something you can find on my other blog site which is: .

Why did I use the term 'cokemaniac'? Don't ask. I mean, when you're cornered and got nowhere to go you just find yourself doing the most outrageous things, the very things that you might regret later on. Sure, it may seem like a wild ride and worth and all, but you lose the excitement once it's all over with.

I was out of 'Colaterrel', which had Tom Cruise and Jamie Foxx as the major stars. I must say that story wise I was quite intrigued to know that Tom's character was not all that interested in what was in his way but rather interested in just getting the job done. After all, isn't that what we're all into these days? We wanna move on. Deliver the job and just get paid. For others it's a matter of security (and this applies mostly to the female gender from my perspective) that everyone seeks a job to get a salary so that they can insure themselves a good financial basis and forget about all their troubles, in a sense, leave them behind. And if you look around, it really is true. However, to others, the serious more goal-orientated type of people who look around in misery because they look at those who think that they have sercured themselves in such a way as 'cavemen' because they have no serious purpose in their lives.

In some cases, it could be true. For it is purpose which drives us and stops us from wondering aimlessly around like chickens with their heads chopped off.


I don't know yet. I aim. I aim to please. I aim to get a job. I aim to move on with my life and to forget my health problems. I aim to find myself a wife and really find happiness within someone so true that you can just lay your head and truly forget about everything that surrounds you.

Sure. That's what I aim for. But I guess pretty much everyone in the world aims for that? I tried publishing a book and that project went dead because of devine intervention. But who's complaining. I am way beyond that.

I say 'courtesy is not something that's handed to you on a golden platter. But rather an opportunity that is given to you by destiny to take'.

It's 1:45am here. Go figure. And no, I don't drink.