Sunday, July 17, 2005

Who took my soul?

Souless.

That's how I feel right now.

Between having a better Hgb level and one my good patient friends passing away - I am souless.

The problem that I had was a woman who got my number in a weird way and was trying to 'get in touch' with me in a matter of speaking. Messages, phone calls and all that. Not to mention she was rude and insulting. She wanted to meet and I thought of the implications and consequences and tried to figure out if I wanted to. One part of me said yes, why not? Maybe she could be the one. Another part of me said that I had my eyes on someone already and I am not ready to throw away my chance to be with that person should there be a chance in the future with this woman by meeting her up and God knows what could happen. So I blew her away. I ignored her totally. Nasty? Maybe. But better safe than sorry. I have done a lot of things in my past and I plan to meet my Creator on Judgement Day hoping that He would grant me a place into His Paradise and forgiving all my past sins. And I don't plan to screw that up by doing such a thing as this. Even if this other person who I have my eye on is not interested in me at all.

After I recieved the news of my Hgb level rise, I immediately thought of taking a vacation to my favorite destination - Malaysia. Hopefully I will be able.

And I am to start my Masters on September. It's unclear though where I would pursue it, although it would be in Oman. I wonder if SQU offers Masters degrees?

If I am well enough, I might even enroll myself into a gym for a year so I can get into shape. Anyone know any good gym that offers individual training?

That's the list of things that I would like to do.

Unfornately for me they are a bit far away from this moment which I am held in. This moment of where time is standing still for me for some reason or another. And I wish I could break free of the paradigm. Should I take anti depressants?

Many are the times that I myself have imagined myself dying the way my friend had. So God is just extending the jail term for me. I wish it was me who had gone and not my friend. I would finished from this life.

Yes. I do wish I was dead.

5 comments:

Noors said...

Don't wish for that again...

Wala nothing is worth it. Like I've said, we all have our moments, we all have times when we just feel so empty and so insecure, and you feel so lost that you don't know what to do.

But remember, life goes on, all you can do is make the best of what you have, and create your own world, one step at a time.

Samyah said...

The part about the girl and your hopes was so sweet! I hope you do end up with her :)

Sleepless In Muscat said...

noors: does that mean you would agree on me and my other positive choices that i posted?

sam: thank you so much. I hope so, too

Noors said...

Going for vaccation, doing your masters, and joining a gym all sound great, so of course, who wouldn't tell you to go for it!

Do it. Believe me, it'll make a difference.

Do it.:)

Sleepless In Muscat said...

;oD