I suppose I have only myself to blame for the state that I am coming up to now which is the state of indeciveness. As in to not be able to clearly think out what is it that I really want.
Don't get me wrong here. I clearly know that I want to go further and hone my skills in the field of artistry. But as an online friend here once told me that such a future is doomed to fail here in Oman since there is no light to head to in that path. While I believe that if one was to pursue their belief no matter what anyone says or does and makes their dream ambition a reality that they would prove everyone wrong.
I know I want to write. I know that I want to also have a proper job. I know that I would like to, one day, settle down. But I sometimes cannot come to terms with the world outside and how lonely it feels to be alone. I guess no one can. I am asked constantly to look at the glass half full. I am asked to look beyond such long term goals and take things one step at a time. I am also asked to not rush into decisions and take my time with everything.
But I can't help it.
When I was young; I always wanted everything to happen so fast. When I was really young and had a light moustache - yes, go on, laugh all you like - I used to think to myself that I wanted to grow a full beard. But now, I am so bothered by my facial hair since it grows back almost fully in under two days.
When I was 19, I started to think about getting involved with people from the other gender (aka: females). But from one bad relationship to another it almost seemed like someone up there either doesn't like me to the point of punishing me of being single. I like being single, but I also don't want to die single.
I've come to learn that rushing things will just get me burnt all over again with almost everything except for those things that are of valid cause for quickening in speed measures.
Right now, all I ever want is to get me a job, which is just the thing that I am focusing on in terms of sending CVs and the such. And even though it's going to hurt me a lot inside and I know it will. I will just have to ignore my heart's calling for the time being until I am settled down with everything career-wise.
Yet, right now, I wish for the worst thing to happen to me.
I wish I was a blind man.
Saturday, March 11, 2006
The Blind Man
Posted by Sleepless In Muscat at 00:23
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
i hear ya, totally! but u see, u can work and still write ur book. i am working (well, starting my own publication) and i know that i really want to have my own book. it's a co-thing now...but i know it's going to happen inshallah.
just because things dont happen when YOU want them to happen, it doesnt mean that everything's going wrong. i hate all those cliches that people say because it sounds so hollow coming from their mouths. the truth is...when u stop seeing/thinking clear, just stop. close ur eyes. take a deep breath and try to feel life. feel alive and then keep walking. it's sometimes good to stop for a moment. don't stop too long :)
and break the rules. be the first one to do something. set an example. there's no one who can and who should stop u. ur mind is ur enemy.
MD: That's what I tried the last two times I was working and I ended up putting myself through of medical situations.
Plus I find myself thinking more and more of doing things that have to do with writing, poetry and stuff..
that's pretty much the undecision part..
Post a Comment