you don't know where you're going until you know where you've been

I can't really decide about something.

Actually, I can't really decide about a lot of things that are on my mind.

What are these thoughts that occupy my mind and why do they so when I least need this annoying feeling? I feel like I have fallen down some long well and I slipt into a long tunnel of darkness - much like the tunnel the Rabbit takes when he's late in Alice In Wonderland.

I was going to post on the blog something about trying not to look into my actions or even into me because you would just get busy with the busy bees inside my head passing the commands from my brain to the nerves to the muscles to the bones to the hands to the feet - well, you get the picture, don't you?

I felt it inappropriate that I would leave today's post empty as I would never do that unless I was under heavy pressure from real life work.

Yet.

Sometimes.

I just wish that I could tell where I am going in this life. Some kind of glimpse of a hope. Something that would show me that things are only going to get better.

There's a famous saying that goes "You don't know where you're going until you know where you've been". But that's just it. I already know where I have been. Much like the other saying that goes "Been there. Done that".

Don't tell me that things take time. I hate that kind of fairytale hopeful ending thingamajig.

Don't ask me to occupy myself because God only knows that I barely show my face to the world around me and that still isn't enough.

Am I being pessimistic here?