Logically Impended

Something in me wants to change so badly. I feel one day that it will explode up from within. And I can't keep hiding it anymore. I have to take some sort of action. Something. Anything.

Something within me wants to change my routine. Get a job. Forget the romance part.

Am I realizing myself or is it an act of desperation, I ask you? Because I wouldn't know at all.

I have never been in this situation before. I have been in many levels whereby I am taken down by my low self esteem to a dark and sinister place of my soul's ever lightening eclipse-like shadow.

Some of you will read this and will say to themselves 'where have I heard this before?'. Others will whisper amongst themselves 'well show us your actions to prove what you are feeling inside'. But before I do do that; I want to understand what is it that's pushing me to feel this way.

I'm not depressed. But neither am I happy. And all the common sense in the world seems to clash in tides within my head and I can't seem to figure out what's wrong and what's right.

I know what's right because it's right. And I know what's wrong because it's wrong. But for God sakes; what should I do?

What if I take this path and end up being a totally emotionless person in the end and do end up with no one at all and a job along with all the money that a wealthy man could ever ask for? And if I do take the other path, then how I would know that I would still be trapped in some sort of way in my emotions, my 'depression'-ional state and end up being - worst case scenario - divorced, a job that doesn't pay and homeless?

Of all the logic in the world, nothing seems to make sense to me anymore.

Nothing whatsoever..