Court is now in session..

Now it's becoming a bit lonely here. Even with all the special things and attractions that Malaysia has to offer. But it makes me feel lonely because I have no one to share it with. Yes. Yes. Yes. I'm back on that old record again. So if you feel like going on to another webpage or blog - be my guest. I couldn't give a rat's ass about it.

I wish that I was back in Oman but I would rather be in Oman and not having to talk or see the people I am related too. Nasty? Perhaps. Selfish? Possibly. But truth to be told that's how I feel right now. This trip has made me realize that no matter how bad Oman can be in summer that I still miss it. Mushy talk aside. It's also stressed the need for me to get familiarized with someone who walk down the lifeline with me til the end of my days - or theirs.

But that will not divert me from the final decision to avoid contact with the female species for as long as it takes to get my act back together. This decision was reached beause I still have a lot to do when I get back home. 2nd book promotion being one of them. My Masters (although I won't be applying for it now - maybe by February). And throughout that time period, taking care of myself health-wise.

But just seeing that big amount of people all young and within couples holding hand in hand seriously takes the fun out of it. I wish I didn't have to see that all the time. Its as if someone up there is actually mocking at me and laughing His head off clapping hand and knees rolling over on the clouds and shouting out in between 'look at you and look at them!' - what a serious bummer.

I told someone once 'what was meant to be was meant to be and what was not will not'. I was trying to comfort myself in those words because I actually believe in that concept - most of the time. But when it comes to personal matters it kinda shuts down the engine before hyperventelation happens and I lose control over my grip on my emotion and act all cocky. Turns out I'm not the cool dude everyone (at least I think everyone) thinks that I am.

And I have also come to realize that I also have a problem within me. A few. Ok; a lot of problems. But this is one of those I have realized recently. I put myself down to the point that I believe everything I say about me. Those parts which I hold upon myself about being ugly, stupid and such, that's what I mean. And to be honest, I feel it is right. Because on one side I dont want to bring hopes up for myself so I don't get such a hot head full of ideas and things, y'know? But on the other hand that has backfired on me that it affects my personality. My being. My ... how can I say it? My ... integrity - that would be the correct word that I would use here.

Integrity in the sense that I can no longer be held responsible to act as an adult. Ok, that didn't sound right. Let me rephrase that: Integrity that people would have confidence to trust with things to dealth with in my daily lives.

I think I am losing it ..

ps: and as usual - no one ever replies to these posts because they find them quite boring or uninteresting. That's ok. I don't expect anyone to understand a single word from all this crap.