Can't sleep..

4 am here on a Saturday early morning.

I tried watching REMINGTON STEELE on DVD to get my eyes a bit tired. Didn't work. It only makes me more awake. I tried downloading a few songs with my 'faithful' dial up connection and I had already downloaded some 7 new songs by SANTANA. And, now, I am wide awake by listening to them while I blog this in.

I had finished the five people you meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom earlier today. And it was really inspiring. Really makes someone think, what Heaven could ever be like. And how everyone else imagines it to be. I found to be a great story. Can't wait to get my hands on Tuesdays with Morrie by the same author. Fascinating what this world of story telling can do in opening vast doors of imagery and play with your wild imagination in many scopes.

Sooner or later, before the end of this year, I will have changed my choice of '2nd permanent existense' from Starbucks to someplace else, inshallah.

I've sent out my third article to theweek for it to be printed this week; let's just hope that this time they will approve it. Don't ask me what the subject is about unless I say that it will not see it's way to the publication.

I guess also that not much will ever change in my life unless I really want to change it. I will still be more focused on writing poetry, articles, short stories and the such. And I guess my heart will offer it's passion to everything and everyone that passes it by. Not something to be proud of, to be honest. But I am told otherwise by people who really know me, by direct relation or otherwise. I find it highly unworthy of me to stay this way or any other way unless I can get what it is I have always been after.

Do I make the same mistake? Is it me that comes on to the point that finds me and myself into situations that I wish I was not in. In that case, I would only have myself to blame.

I have blead, gone through agonies and survived years of sickness to come to this point. To show I am a surviver. But after such trauma, do I really have the heart to move on? The wind of change is always around the corner, all it needs is a 'huff' in the right direction. Is it mine to make the move. I think not. I dare not say. I dare not make a move on anyone anymore. I don't want to. I will move on with my life. But my heart will forever stay the same.

Call it what you may want. This sudden unrest did not come with a rising of a blue moon in the distant sky. It was always there, forbidden to be spoken of. Forbidden to be felt. Just wrapped in the basement of my soul.