all or nothing

After Gonu had passed it was time to reflect on why this ever happened to us, because I am a believer that everything - no matter how big nor small - happens for a reason be that reason visible or not.

I saw the devastation, I heard the rumors, I felt the anguish and the fear. I tasted bittersweet sadness through the tears of youngsters who had lost their homes, families and loved ones, but most of all those who had lost everything.

Then it came to the passing away of my relative not some 2-3 days after we had just risen above the ashes of the disaster and mayhem that Gonu had left in it's trails. It felt like a bomb striking me down again. Beating me deeper into a hole that I had barely the energy to creep out of again.

I started to notice how people treated me and treated others differently, how they differentiated in their manners towards them and me and saw that thin line that meant so much to me but couldn't tolerate it at all although I tried to encapsulate it as much as I could but in the end, it erupted from within lashing out at the very people that I am supposed to hear to, listen to, and adhere to.

I lost all sympathy then.

I lost my soul back then.

My heart just stopped beating because of the sheer sadness that is portrayed in this life by the illusions that I had lived in all this time and because of the truth that opened my eyes to the people that I should trust no more and call no more 'a friend' more than just mere relatives.

I drenched my heart in sorrow and followed on - blindly.

I told myself that I would carry on like this until one day - should God find that I am worthy of it - that He would save me from the pain that I live in day by day.

I then got myself a 'motivational speech' by someone I know (hope you're reading this) telling me that if I choose to be someone in life then nothing should ever stand in my way if I am serious about it. That I should let nobody change my mind about the career. That a true passion involves the heart, the soul, and the mind - working together towards that goal.

So I opened my eyes and peeked through the long-shut eye-lids into the ever bright sunlight that I had blocked out.

And I said to myself.

This would be my suicidal mission (to be a writer).