Friday, May 18, 2007

turn of events

I can't say that I feel because that would be lying. And I can't say that I have the solution or that I understand why I am feeling like this, either.

All I do know that, although I am having a great time at College and still have my old but good friends - which, are a handful, only - I still feel lonely.

I still feel that there is something missing in my life. And it grasps me from within. Haunting my every thought. My every move. My every action. It won't go away and it has devoured my soul to the point that I find myself just wanting to be with the perfect one that would have a meaning to my entire existence.

I've been through this, I tell myself.

I have been through similar circumstances. Only what is different from this situation is the fact that I am older, and beginning to rot by the second because - and let's face it - I'm not getting any younger.

I've given up on romantic appearances. On the notion that something out of a movie would ever happen to me. I have given up to the fact that I would never have the carpet taken from under my feet at first sight. I've given up on fairy-tales.

I have long dealt with depression enough to know that I can back it off when-ever I can because I have the power within me to think more positively. To appreciate the finer things in life. To long stand the fight to which I wish to prove myself that I am human being worthy of living. Worthy of another chance. Worthy of something so elite that it goes beyond compare.

But I need support, damnit. I can't do this on my own.

There's only a limited number of times whereby I can tell myself to push further; to be stronger; to go farther. I can only tell myself a number of times that there is going to be a brighter day. That I am going to find the perfect human being to share my life with. That I would, one day, find the one true meaning for all my past miseries.

I am only - a human being.